Cheers & Jeers
I’m starting to wonder if it’s a wise idea to let college students participate in psychology experiments, because at this point in the semester, there isn’t a student left with their sanity intact. Perhaps that means that making you laugh has become even more important. And of course that means I can justify getting the higher-ups to triple my salary! To help cope with the final crunch, repeat this lie over and over until you’re convinced that it’s true: I love my major, I love my major…
CHEER of the week
The Discovery Channel
Admit it, you wish you could be a Mythbuster. Every science major’s dream job is to get paid to blow stuff up. It sure beats getting paid to drink your own pee. Once upon a time, Discovery Channel featured more than just guns and explosions, but then again, History Channel once had programs about actual history, so it’s understandable why Discovery Channel has basically become Spike for nerds with an occasional nature program in the form of Shark Week. Unfortunately, that means that one can no longer “do it like they do on the Discovery Channel” without a bulletproof blast shield. Then again, maybe the blast shield was always necessary. Bazinga! Like it or not, the programming is entertaining and sometimes incredibly useful. Learning how to survive in the middle of Siberia, for example, came just in time for my matriculation to Le Moyne. Thanks, Bear Grylls. You’re still fired, though. Sorry.
JEER of the week
For those who may be reading this at lunch, you know my pain. There are three basic human needs: food, sleep and sex. These live in a delicate balance in your body, much like one’s BAC and GPA. At a certain point during your gargantuan gastronomical grazing at the caf, your body has decided that its need for food has been satisfied and immediately moves to the next one. Luckily, it somehow also knows that you can’t have sex in the caf, so your body just decides to call it a day. The only problem is that it’s 2 p.m. and there’s just not enough 5-Hour Energy to get you out of this one. The finer details of the food coma escape me, but the result is very clear: my editor hates when I have one. The exception to the rule is if you’re in a food coma and can actually afford to fall asleep. If that’s the case, go crazy. You might end up with some weird dreams involving a spinning top and Leonardo DiCaprio actually winning an Oscar for something (probably for portraying Meryl Streep), but as far as I’m concerned, you earned it. It’s like a discount: eat 1000 calories, get a free nap! Speaking of which, I think I’ll go take my own advice. Maybe in my dreams DiCaprio will get lucky with “J. Edgar,” because God knows that’s his only hope.
JEERS to construction at security
Apparently, leaving the new Science Center surrounded by fencing and pebbles was an aesthetic choice by the construction crew, because we’ve already moved on to our next projects. A nice giant pile of dirt down near the Heights creates a very beautiful scenic view if you’re a groundhog, and construction behind Nelligan prevents access to the Security Office. No problem though, because if you’re a student with swipe access to Nelligan, you can get to the office through the building. But if it’s late at night and you don’t live there, well, I guess your safety wasn’t that important. We’ve been told that if we need to access security that we can call them and someone will come to our location. That’s fine, I’ll just tell my attacker to wait with me while an officer walks all the way through Nelligan and then around the building to get to a jeep that he or she then has to drive all the way around campus to get to the PAC field where I’m currently being mugged and skunked at the same time. I guess that construction couldn’t have waited another month when no one would be around. Really, just an A+ decision on that one, Le Moyne.
CHEERS to “The Legend of Zelda”
This may come as a shock for some, but once upon a time, video game makers actually had good ideas. The premise is surprisingly simple: take a hero, Link, and have him save the world, Hyrule. Now just add a never-ending time travel paradox resulting in multiple timelines and you’re good to go! There really is nothing bad about the Zelda series. It has a good storyline, good music and, most importantly, bombs. “Majora’s Mask” was revolutionary because it not only involved time travel, but had a game clock that you had to keep track of or it was game over. This wonderful plot device kept the gamer interested, but also probably caused untold childhood ulcers, which is likely why the idea hasn’t been employed since. Not everything about the franchise is awesome, though. For example, while some people were afraid of the Wicked Witch of the West or the dentist as a child, my biggest fear were ReDeads. They scared me more than the Jesuits if they haven’t had their morning holy coffee. Equally frustrating are those who think that the main character is named Zelda. Seriously? Don’t you watch “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch”? Zelda is clearly a girl’s name and Link is a man’s man, meaning that he’s a 10- or 17-year-old boy who get frequently hit on by Great Fairies with really pointy boobs. Marlon Brando wishes he could have been that manly.
JEERS to Billy Fuccillo
Seriously, eff this guy. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even watch TV anymore for fear of his voice accidentally reaching my ears. For starters, he doesn’t even say that his deal is “Huge!” Instead, he says that it’s “Uge.” The man has been cutting more letters from his words that I think he’s competing with Sarah Palin for the award for Which Semi-Famous Adult Needs to go Back to Hooked on Phonics Of the Year. Fun fact: On the West Coast, he’s known as Billy Hernandez. Evidently, being Italian and being Hispanic are easily interchangeable as long as you’re the “loud and obnoxious” stereotype of both ethnicities. To his credit, he is very successful as a car dealer. It makes me wonder what other “dealerships” he might be having success with. I’m not saying that he’s selling cocaine on the side, but I’m not not saying it either. I’ll start liking Billy Fu-nandez more when he decides to merge those companies. I want a working car made of cocaine. The only person who could drive it is Jason Statham, but I’m sure he shares my enthusiasm for this idea.
JEERS to marshmallows
Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a fresh marshmallow. Put your hand down because you’re lying. Marshmallows are literally made already stale. They’re like croutons except I don’t know what they’re made of. I think we collectively understand that marshmallows suck because we can only stand to eat them after sticking them in an open fire and watching them burn as if you personally oversee marshmallow hell. Even if you’re not outdoorsy, there’s always marshmallow jousting, in which you stick a toothpick in two marshmallows, put them in the microwave, and watch to see which one wins. Marcus Aurelius would be proud. My inspiration for this jeer came after seeing marshmallows as an optional topping at the Sundae Sunday bar. So, the marshmallows are already stale and now you want to add them to ice cream? The texture and temperatures don’t jive at all! I just have a lot of feelings about this. I’m sure my hatred for marshmallows stem from the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. You can blame Dan Aykroyd for this jeer.